Tuesday, April 23, 2013

It feels like I am losing my marbles

The idea of having a nervous breakdown or midlife crisis certainly sounds incredibly appealing. Movies have romanticized it on many different levels through out time. The person gets to buy a fancy convertible. Goes crazy on a shopping spree, maxing out all their credit cards. Gets to sing incredibly bad karaoke while all their friends look on horrified. Then you get to have that really deep and spiritual discussion with either your BFF or the really random seemingly bitter stranger. Suddenly everything is right again in the world, the birds are singing. Peace seems to have smothered out any discord and you are wonderful again.

Not so in the "real" world. Nope. The world as we know it, is dirty, loud, unforgiving and rather worrisome. Tell someone that your super angry for no reason and they start giving you their therapist's phone number. Or you'll have people talking in hushed tones around you making sure that you don't misuse a knife or a pair of scissors. 

I have found myself on the edge of madness over the last fourteen days or so. I would like to place partial blame on my body. For it has been really letting me down this year as far as sickness goes. Remember that earlier blog about antibiotics? I finished that three week course and not a week later I found myself sitting in the very same exam room with my ear, nose and throat doctor telling him that my throat was on fire. Just like me, he was hoping that my next visit wasn't going to be for at least six months. Today I finished off yet a different seven day course of antibiotics. (can I add here that on friday at 4:30 pm I had to call my doctor and say I wasn't any better yet after four days on them!?) I am tired of being sick. Yes, I am being a very good girl and taking probiotics. (I seriously cannot stomach anymore yogurt)

Spring break for my three kids was also last week. Which meant that my in-laws flew out for a visit. Don't get me wrong, they are very nice people but by day five I was done (I think they were too). I hit a wall in my level of patience. I've decided that being an only child makes me less tolerant of sharing my space with others. (Obviously, I have learned some great coping skills over the years otherwise I would not be married with kids.)

Last friday my throat and chest were still feeling inflamed and looking bright red, so as I mentioned I called the doctor but they said just keep taking that antibiotic! (which I did). The flames were not receding though and I awoke at two in the morning pondering driving myself to the emergency room. I laid there in bed thoughts racing through my brain and it came to me. What if part of my problem wasn't just sickness related? What if this was actually heartburn?! I got up and poured myself a glass of water and added some apple cider vinegar. Suddenly, those flames weren't so strong anymore. It would seem that now in my adulthood I have developed a brand new talent, giving myself stress induced heartburn! As a child it was stomach aches (which still happen). 

The question now arises why on earth am I so stressed out? All I can figure is that it is three things: my in-laws visit, my upcoming trip this summer to meet up with all my husband's family and yes, my son's awful behavior. Now one of those is over, one is not until the end of July and mostly out of my hands and the other is ongoing. 

Knowing this doesn't reduce my stress. Am I still rather angry with the world in general. Oh, yes. (let's see the bombs in Boston, explosion in Texas, avalanche in Colorado, earthquake in China, etc all happened last week) Do I feel like crying randomly. Yup. And heartburn? Does it still happen when I think of all this? Hell yes! Oddly, I know that I am partly ahead of the curve. As I can name my stress factors, find them rather ridiculous and still marvel at myself.

Now comes the fun part. How on earth do I heal myself without extensive therapy? Good question. I find some relief knowing that I have friends in the exact same boat I currently am in. I find it reassuring that if I randomly snap or cry at something in their presence that they too will understand and might in fact join me.

I was joking today that it is high time I had a break down, I seem to be in the right age range. Which of course made people worry about me. Concern is good. I need to be reminded that in fact I am not as isolated as my brain can portray at times. 

So, here I sit spewing my random emotions at my faithful readers. Testing the waters so to speak. Wondering how many have felt this too over the course of their lives? How many have actually sought medical help? How many have relied on friends and family to steer them through these troubled waters. And how many have thrown them self their very own life preserver? 


Paula Harvey said...

Hey Jen- I'm nearly in tears reading this post and not because it's excessively sad, just because I can so relate to this. I know what you mean about having honest moments when you say exactly what's on your mind and people suddenly start to treat you with kid gloves or rush to tell you a "cure-all"/the meaning of life. Fortunately, like you I have friends who understand and no when to, instead of giving me annoying advice, look at me and smile as they ask, "Paula, how about some scream therapy?"

(Scream therapy is when we get in the car, drive down an isolated road and scream at the top of our lungs for as long as we want- it doesn't cure the problems of the world, but it someone relieves a bit of the stress that weighs heavy on my brain).

Those kinds of friends are priceless. They don't care that we're crazy because they're honest enough to admit that they're crazy too. Really, we're ALL crazy. The most sane of us are the ones who admit it.

Also- you do sooooo much. I try not to gush too much over Twitter because it can come across as weird, but seriously you're always doing something amazing with your kids and from the conversations you've had w/them that I've seen posted on FB, I can tell that you're incredibly patient and kind. None of that's easy, of course you're tired. Of course you need/deserve a vacation.
Sigh...if I was super rich I'd give you an island or something to hang out on. Maybe if we can find Johnny Depp on Twitter, we can convince him to rent out his island to you & your family for a while. He seems nice, he'd do it.

: ) Anyway, my point is- you're amazing and even though you feel crazy right now, that doesn't change the fact that you're an incredible mother/person/writer/+ the million other hats that you wear.

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Luna Indigo said...

Ha! Thanks Paula of course I didn't quite come back to this post right away because I needed space from it.
I find that many people forget just how much I actually do on any given day.
I have to say that something must be in the air too. It would seem that the more women I talk to (and get an honest answer from) the more I find are angry too. They might not be as completely as batty as I feel but it is there. Makes me wonder what we're all tuned into with the world in general.